Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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