I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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