you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
