I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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