We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize