i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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