I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
