So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
