I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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