i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
