I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
