Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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