You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
