Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize