I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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