I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize