i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
