you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
