You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He? As in you personified your dick?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
