Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
