is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
