Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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