my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize