he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
