Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
