Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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