Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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