I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
