This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
