I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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