Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
