well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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