btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
