Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
