worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
