i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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