Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
