a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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