scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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