I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
