woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The Olympian is in my bed
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
