I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
