I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
