eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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