True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
