The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
