I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
