i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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