I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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