last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
