Midget sex pt 2 tonight
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
