You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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