I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
