If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize