my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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