I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
