She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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