Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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