Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
