I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
birth control should be required to get into college
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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