I'm so fucking centered right now
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
